My blog informs me that it has been 15 days since I’ve posted. So that is another two week gap. Looking back across my posts there are several of them; every one of them were during an attack.
I hate feeling this way. Feeling as if getting out of bed is the biggest hurdle of the day, then realizing that I have to go to work and talk to other people. It just makes me feel overwhelmed and exposed.
Really, the worst feeling is that I’m letting people down. Whether it is my family or my friends, the people I work with. I expect myself to be better than this, to be stronger. To be able to think myself out of this emotional drain. But I can’t. My brain is broken. Thinking myself out isn’t an option.
I am fortunate. My case is usually not severe. I have a support network of family and friends. I have a creative outlet that I can let off steam, and a dog that knows when I’m having a rough day. I have options.
Next month I am meeting a huge inspiration. She is broken and wonderful and brilliant and a hero. She has shown me that it is ok to be like this. She has shown that honesty about the conditions we live with can be freeing. That the disease doesn’t have to define you. She is also a damn fine writer.
I will continue to try to do better. I will continue to try to post once a week. It’s good for me. Besides, you never know who needs to hear it.
Until next week, be kind to each other.